Living Life with Stage IV Prostate Cancer

When I was diagnosed with incurable advanced stage prostate cancer in May 2017 and given a worst-case prognosis of two years, life went on hold. Our families’ senses and emotions were subject to a huge roller coaster of tests, outcomes, commencement of treatment, and worries/concerns about the future. Constantly thinking about cancer Initially it was simply horrendous. There was barely a moment when you didn’t think about cancer. Every niggle, pimple, pain was obviously another tumor that had developed and was going to kill you early. You knew the answer to 2 + 2 was 4, but the brain kept coming up with 5, aka cancer. Eventually, though, things settle down, a degree of stability takes over, and it’s at that point where you take stock of life and consider what’s important. Removing stress I ran a relatively successful accountancy practice, but working 50+ hours per week definitely wasn’t a priority! I had a grandson who was starting school in September 2017 and who is the apple of my eye, so I took the bold decision to reduce my hours so that I could pick him up from school three days per week and build memories for him for when I’m not around. Ultimately I took the decision to exit from the practice, which wasn’t great financially, but it removed stress from my life, and you don’t need that as well as cancer. The best of both worlds Now I work a small number of hours each week, so I have the best of both worlds. A little bit of work to keep my mind occupied and to look after clients that I’ve had a long relationship with, as well as extra family time to spend with my grandson and the then his brother when he arrived on the scene. My wife and I also re-appraised our family finances and put plans in place for the worst outcome, while hoping that it would be a long time away. I’d urge everyone to do this irrespective of their state of health. Getting a dog We’ve had a dog in the family home ever since I married my wife, Tracey, in 1980. In fact, when we married it was “love me, love my dog,” because the dog came with her. Sadly we’d lost our last dog in late 2016, unfortunately due to cancer, and we’d been looking around for another when I was diagnosed. My wife said she couldn’t cope with my illness and a puppy, but I persuaded her otherwise and thus, Radler became part of our lives in August 2017. He was a very welcome distraction for both of us. A state of limbo However, it’s very hard to form a different view than that life living with stage 4 cancer feels like living in a state of limbo with a zombie apocalypse headed straight for you. It's in the form of what I have called “squeaky bum time” in a previous article, 3 monthly PSA blood tests, the next one of which may be the one that tells you that your current treatment has stopped working, as it inevitably will, and start to signal the beginning of the end. Facing that horror every 3 months makes you realize that time is precious and to value it even more. Living in the moment I now constantly tell people that they need to live for the now, live in the moment, and live life to the fullest. Please don’t wait for a life-changing illness to force you to do that. It may be too late. As I see that zombie apocalypse headed my way I don’t turn and run, I face it head-on. I’m not scared, and I’m absolutely determined to live a full and meaningful life despite what I’m living through, and irrespective of how long that ends up being. If by writing articles like this I can help people to think long and hard about life values and to focus on living, then that would be a wonderful epitaph! [lead_gen showIfLoggedIn="0" campaign="shortcode" source="site"] Prior to my current diagnosis of advanced prostate cancer with extensive bone metastasis, Stage IV, I was a completely different person emotionally. Very rarely did anything bring me down emotionally, and I never ever cried. There are times now that I do not like the person I have become from an emotional standpoint. A rollercoaster Coaching and teaching for over thirty-plus years, I had grown a fairly tough skin. Rarely did problems or situations have much effect on me emotionally or otherwise. Constant stress had trained my mind and body to withstand most of what life had to throw at me. And take my word for it, teaching and coaching can put one in some extremely stressful predicaments. It is my belief that this training ground proved vital for my ability to battle cancer. Cancer can test the best of us with daily emotional exams. During my initial treatment, and since, I find myself running the full spectrum of emotions daily. From smiling and happy one moment, to sadness and tears the next. Emotional outbursts These many emotional outbursts were completely the opposite of my mental makeup prior to being diagnosed. I know full well these episodes are very tough for my family, friends, and loved ones to handle. Those closest to me know deep down inside this is not Duane, nor has it ever been Duane. We have to train ourselves methods to deal with these new-found emotions. After three and a half years, I am still not sure I have any answers when it comes to the emotional stress and strain. The many prescription medications and procedures can within themselves prove too much for any one person to bare. Trying to come to terms The simple phrase, “You have terminal cancer” can prove difficult for a person to process. It took me months to fully come to grips with this concept. My mental and emotional state were put to the test, and I am still not sure I have ever passed this particular exam. How does one ever process fully contemplating the end of one’s existence? One method I utilize is to remain as busy as humanly possible under the circumstances. I try to not ever let my mind be idle, because this is when those thoughts creep deep into the soul and stir up a well of emotions. Keeping yourself busy with anything and everything that keeps you from venturing into this deep dark territory can be helpful, I believe. I was already an avid reader, but I made sure to increase my reading. Reading is a great escape and if you chose the right books, you can escape the present. You might even find vital information or techniques that will aid you in handling and processing the current situation. At least, that is my personal opinion. Finding hobbies Hobbies suddenly become extremely important in life. I love to work on genealogy. While I dig deep into the past, my mind does not have time to be concerned with all the problems cancer brings about. Sometimes I become elated with the discoveries I make about my ancestors, and sometimes the details even sadden me. However, it is a different sadness than the type that I feel when I am sitting worrying about cancer. Hunting, if one is still physically able, can provide a challenging release from the day-to-day concerns of cancer. The end result of hunting used to be the main release for me with this event, however, just the physical presence in the situation seems to bring the most enjoyment. In fact, many times even if I see my prey, I will not harvest. I have found a new respect for life and just how hard it is just to stay alive. A world of difference One very simple action, such as humming, can make a world of difference to me personally. Humming helps me take my mind off my situation or my current pain. I find myself doing it with great frequency, especially during bouts of pain and anxiety. This does, however I must admit, annoy some members of my family. My mother-in-law, whom I love dearly, always injects, “Why are you humming?” And even after a thorough explanation, she still will ask me the same question over and over if I resume humming. It is important to remember that those who do not suffer the difficulties of cancer may not understand our pain and sorrows. How could they? Controlling my emotions These are just a few simple things that work for me when it comes to controlling my emotions and my tolerance for pain. A few may work for you, and they may not. After all, this is my experience and may not transfer to your experiences. I am simply offering my humble opinion and some simple techniques I find soothing. [lead_gen showIfLoggedIn="0" campaign="shortcode" source="site"],Todd shares two letters -- one to his past self and another to himself in the future. A letter to former me Dear Former Me, You don’t realize it yet but one day you will look back on the next 30 years and think of it as time wasted. You have a rough road ahead of you. You're not prepared for what the future is bringing to your door. Your life is going to change in ways you cannot imagine. You will find out that you are not immortal. The time to change is now Stop living your life like you have all the time in the world. You don’t! The time to change is now. That is why I am writing this letter. From this day forward I want you to stop working overtime. It’s only money and the truth is that 30 years from now it won’t make any difference. There are so many things more important than money. Take the time to enjoy life. Take vacations! Always remember that the moments you share with the people you love are the only things that matter. You can work your whole life telling yourself that one day you will enjoy life only to have the rug pulled out from under you. You are only promised today. Don’t waste another minute. One day all you may have is your regrets. Spend more time with your Grandma and Grampa. They won’t be with you as long as you think they will. Take care of yourself today One day you will begin to notice subtle changes. You will begin to have trouble emptying your bladder. It is not normal for a 40 year old to have that kind of a problem. Listen to your body. Don’t ignore the symptoms. Go to the doctor for regular checkups and let them know that you have a history of prostate cancer in your family. Get a PSA test. Eat healthily. Treat your body a little more like a temple and a little less like a smoke-filled tavern. Doing these things may not change the outcome of your future but they certainly won’t hurt and you may feel better physically and feel better about yourself as a person. See you in 30 years. Sincerely, Future You A letter to future me Dear Future Me, I hope you are alive and well to read this letter. I hope you are smiling remembering the day you wrote it. I hope you realize you are one blessed man. Kept promises Have they cured prostate cancer yet? I hope they have. This disease has taken far to many fathers, sons, and grandfathers away from their loved ones. Do you remember when you were 43 years old and promised your bride 30 years? You better not have broken your promise. I hope we still look good at 75. Do you still believe that cancer was the best thing that ever happened to you? Are you in pain? Is it hard to manage day-to-day life challenges? Can you still do all the things you enjoy? Unknown path ahead I worry about the future sometimes. I wish you could write me a letter to tell me everything is okay. I hope you are still as happy as you are at this moment. I hope you are still thankful for your many blessings! I hope to see you in another 20 years. Until then I will continue to do my best so that in twenty years you can look back and be proud of yourself for being who you are and the journey of your life. Sincerely, Me [lead_gen showIfLoggedIn="0" campaign="shortcode" source="site"] As we all know a normal life can be complicated with or without any illness. It just adds on an extra layer when your partner has a chronic illness. Prostate cancer is no exception to this rule. Navigating through the waters of a relationship with an ill person can be challenging to say the least. The helplessness and the strain that comes with caregiving can push the relationship to a breaking point. Helping your partner understand your illness I have had a chronic illness for 56 years and of course, I don't understand how it feels to have prostate cancer. Having my illness makes me understand what it’s like to go through a health challenge. There were so many times where I wanted to give up because of some of the ways my past partners treated me and made me feel like an outsider. Here are a few ways that your partner can show you that they understand your illness and what you are going through. Dealing with anxiety It’s normal to feel anxious over a chronic illness. An understanding partner should try to: accept that your relationship may change watch out for depression seek counselling for additional support acquire as much information as possible about the illness in order to be able to make the most informed decisions Practice kindness when communicating Not talking about how you feel will definitely push a wedge between you both. Sometimes, because of the pain and the helplessness, it is easy to take frustrations out on the closest person to you...your partner. It’s therefore therapeutic to find ways of talking about the different challenges that you are both undergoing. As a chronic sufferer myself, you may feel like your partner doesn’t understand or listen to you often enough. I had a boyfriend tell me at one time that my illness had turned me into a perpetual complainer he couldn’t handle anymore. Maybe talking about it all the time can be overwhelming, but I had to try to find some balance in all of this. What are your needs? It’s important for your partner to be clear about what they need and want. Sometimes they might want to do some things for themselves when they are in a great mood and feeling better that day. However, when they are feeling at their worst, they might need your help and might feel neglected if they are not given the attention they require. Don't forget about caregiver wellbeing Whichever one of you giving the care, be careful because forgetting about your own needs is just as important. This can lead to a lot of stress and exhaustion. Here are a few signs to watch out for: such as weight loss or gain sleep deprivation withdrawal from their friends becoming irritable loss of interest in hobbies or activities they enjoyed and physical exhaustion Keeping your finances organized It doesn’t matter if you have prostate cancer or any illness this may cause one person to not be able to work for a while. That coupled with expensive medical treatments can be straining to couples. Some homes might require remodeling in order to accommodate a wheelchair or what you may need to get around easily; this will incur additional costs. Contact a financial expert if needed to help you through this. Growing closer together through hardship Having an illness does not have to be detrimental to your relationship. If you treat each other with understanding, kindness, love, and learn to listen to each other, you can be closer than you were before. It’s not easy seeing someone you love go through any illness, but if you love each other, it’s possible to make it work. Doing something nice and considerate for each other will go a long way in helping you navigate the maze of being in this together for the long haul. Let your partner know they are still desired. [lead_gen showIfLoggedIn="0" campaign="shortcode" source="site"]

Living Life with Stage IV Prostate Cancer

Living Life in Limbo

Changes in Emotional Health After Diagnosis

Two Letters

Does Your Partner Understand Your Illness?

The Power Of Exercise

Community Spotlight: Henry

Community Guide to Advanced Prostate Cancer

What You Wish Medical Professionals Knew About Prostate Cancer

Remain Relevant to Remain Healthy

Advanced Cancer Spotlight: Sam

Living Life with Stage IV Prostate Cancer

Living Life in Limbo

Changes in Emotional Health After Diagnosis

Two Letters

Does Your Partner Understand Your Illness?

The Power Of Exercise

Community Spotlight: Henry

Community Guide to Advanced Prostate Cancer

What You Wish Medical Professionals Knew About Prostate Cancer

Remain Relevant to Remain Healthy

Advanced Cancer Spotlight: Sam

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