Building Sexual Connections

In a previous article I touched on the effect of prostate cancer and the multiple impacts it can have on a man’s sex life. After re-reading what I covered, it just felt right to offer a few personal insights that some men may want to evaluate.

It is a fact - no matter how hard we try to stay young, the mounting years simply add up and as a result many things about our bodies change. And with that come many fluctuations on how we react to various stimulants in our lives.

My tastes changed

Let's start with a simple example. Somewhere after turning 60, I noticed that my sense of taste was a bit different. By age 70 some foods no longer had the same favor or appeal. Some foods, like a good steak, no longer had the same mouth-watering appeal as it did when I was in my 20s and 30s.

Of course, being male I jumped to the conclusion that something outside of my control had changed. Perhaps beef farmers had changed the food that was being fed to cattle. Was it some type of new antibiotics cattle were being exposed to? Definitely some new kind of beef aging process was being used that was ruining all of the flavors I knew as a youth. After all it was not me who had changed ... or was it?

Finally, I decided to do some research and discovered that the ability to taste is a very complex process. I learned that we do not experience taste through a single sense like we do with our eyes and resulting vision. Rather the entire process of taste requires many senses working together including - touch, sight, and smell. This allows us to enjoy the food and to also appreciate the experience. And I might add it is not only food, but also what we drink as well. You may recall that great beer we loved in college just does not "do it" for us anymore.^1,2

First in the chain of taste events is the visual look or inspection phase to see if we even want to consider putting what ever it is in our mouth and consuming it. Then, when eating, the smell and flavor all combine to allow us to sense something called taste. At the same time other elements come into play such as texture, temperature, the mix of ingredients, and more all add to the taste experience.

Sex changes as we age

Guess what? As we age our preferences or taste will also change when it comes to sex. Men may have less desire or ability to have an erection. Women may find intercourse painful due to issues arising from menopause. As I noted in my earlier article, after 3 prostate cancer treatments things are not rising to the occasion as they did a few years ago.³

So, when a new partner appeared in my life after my wife passed, I made a few adjustments and changes early on. The first was to build a bond of trust versus just trying to get into bed. We began our new relationship by opening a lot of dialogue about our life experiences. We had both lost partners to death, and shared thoughts on the stress that caused in our lives emotionally, physically, and sexually.

Finding common ground

As time passed, we discussed things we both liked and enjoyed and what we now missed. We also began to feel comfortable on what we wanted from a relationship going forward and as we chatted, we began to find some common grounds, experiences, and things that were pleasurable. Then one day out of nowhere my new flame planted a kiss on my cheek and did so because a deep level of trust has been developed.

In time I asked if she wanted to meet one afternoon for a more intimate event. Much to my surprise the anticipation for that date proved to be far sexier than a quick or spontaneous reaction to that first kiss for both of us.

Communication is key

My personal advice to men: After prostate cancer treatment, look for different ways to reengage with your partner and spend more time hugging and snuggling in bed versus jumping into a sexual encounter or intercourse. Spend some time asking your partner what they find interesting and pleasurable. Even ask what time is better for making love, like morning or evenings.

The key after cancer is to invite dialogue with your partner and perhaps, for the first time in years, view your new or seasoned partner in a new light where you are supporting her versus being critical or demanding. And while it may be a challenge – really try to listen and take in what is being said in those tender moments.

I have known too many men who upon hearing they are facing cancer of any type, choose to withdraw and in the process pull them away from the very people who care and want to support them on so many levels.