A Very Different Life

When you hear the word cancer it’s devastating, but when they follow it up with the word incurable, it’s indescribable.

Then your life is turned upside down and absolutely shaken to its core.

Two choices

Back then I realized that I had two choices. The first was to curl up on the sofa, feel sorry for myself, and prepare to die. The second was to try to live my best possible life for however long that may be.

I realized after 18 months that I’d gone down the wrong road and forgotten about the joy of living through the fear of dying. I sought counseling to drag myself back from the dark and into the light. I’ve tried since then to live as good and full a life as possible, but it’s so difficult at times.

You’re constantly living knowing that the very next PSA blood test may be the one where the oncologist tells you that the treatment has started to fail. In fact, I saw my oncologist not long ago and said to him, “these appointments never get easier, as it always feels like one nearer you telling me that the treatment has failed.” His response was that that was probably correct, but this appointment was the end of my 81st treatment cycle, so I wasn't doing too badly.

Managing side effects

The reality, though, is that life has changed out of all recognition. Yes, there are some positives, mainly that I get to spend more time with my grandchildren because I decided to semi-retire a few years early. However, the negatives outweigh the positives, and they can drag you down if you let them.

I was only 60 when I was diagnosed, and my wife two years younger. It’s very hard to accept that your sex life becomes virtually non-existent due to 7.25 years of two forms of hormone therapy. Obviously, this would be much worse for younger men with younger partners, and I’ve heard of many relationships that haven’t survived as a result. It’s desperately sad!

The treatment side effects can also be completely debilitating. The hardest to cope with for me has been fatigue. When I’m asked what fatigue feels like, I tell people not to think of it as tiredness; it’s more like your battery was full one minute and then suddenly drains to empty. A complete loss of all energy and power.

Emotional turmoil

It’s also inevitable that when the fatigue hits, the very powerful brain kicks in. The mind is a truly powerful thing, and it’s incredibly easy to take a step back towards the dark and feel sad and sorry for yourself. I describe it as emotional turmoil, as I can often just feel so low that I burst into tears for no obvious reason. My family know that this passes. They also know that it’s driven entirely by my hormone therapy.

I also know all of this, but it doesn’t always help. Generally, the best thing to do is get an early night knowing that in the morning the world will feel a much better and easier place. But there’s been many a time that I’ve cried myself to sleep.

Try to focus on the positives

Apart from the emotional cost of a stage 4 prostate cancer diagnosis and the impact of treatment on relationships and family life, there are so many other factors that impact your life. The financial cost for example is huge. I decided to sell my business interests but, as ever, timing was poor and values deflated. As of my writing this, we’re now selling our house because we simply can’t afford to keep it. Having lived here since 1991, it’s going to be a huge upheaval and, yes, there have been tears. But hopefully, a different life in our forever home beckons.

Given some of the impacts that I’ve outlined in this article, you can imagine how I feel when people have said to me “at least you’ve got the good cancer to get.” You should see their faces when I tell them that the treatment is chemical castration followed by a premature death! It certainly shuts them up.

Yes, life changes in many ways, but it's very easy to focus on the negatives. I know because I’ve been there and done that. I’d therefore urge our readers to do your absolute best to focus on the positives.