Why Don’t You Man Up?

By Diane Talbert

2 min read

"Why don't you man up?"

I have said these words to my sons many times. They are now 43 and 45. This made me think: how many women say this to their husbands or significant other? I will abandon this phrase from my vocabulary. This is a personal decision that I have made on my own.

Recognizing prostate cancer's toll

One thing I noticed was how hard we are on our men. I recently met someone who lost her husband to Stage IV metastatic prostate cancer. They had been happily married for over 30 years. She found out on his dying bed how bad things were.

I hope women realize how hard this disease can be. Can you imagine just waking up one day, and everything you know about intimate relationships changes in a heartbeat? Just hearing those words – "you have Stage IV metastatic prostate cancer" – must be devastating. I have talked to many men over the past few years about prostate cancer. Having to tell their significant other is the toughest part of this journey.

Not putting on added pressure

Ladies, ladies, ladies. What do these words really mean to us, for better or for worse? There is a reason we say in sickness and in health. It is important to talk about what loving someone is truly all about. We say these vows for a reason.

I’m trying to write the proper words here not to offend anyone. The one thing I read about daily is intimacy from women. We don’t need to put this added pressure on our husbands. If this is important to you, it's your choice. I’m not saying anything is wrong with that.

If I had to be a caregiver to someone, I’m not sure sex would be on my mind. I always feel that if I was sick, my husband and I would work together. These are my opinions. We can take short walks together. How about holding hands, talking, touching, and kissing?

Suffering in silence

Getting this diagnosis is very hard for any man, and it’s going to take time for him to absorb this. As a wife, it will take time for us to absorb it, too. This disease impacts both people’s lives. Let’s concentrate on getting the best treatment out there and keeping our men healthy.

How many men don’t show their feelings? We as mothers have told them to be strong men; stop whining and crying all the time. They suffer in silence. For many men, I think the idea of being able to procreate is the driving and dominant force in their lives.

It's okay to ask for help

Ladies, we want our men to come to us and tell us anything and ask for help. They are not alone. I want our husbands, fathers, uncles, nephews, sons, and grandfathers to know it’s okay to cry and come to us. We don’t want them to feel alone.

Let’s get rid of the stigma that men shouldn’t talk about their feelings; they really need to. Ladies, I do encourage us to drag them in for yearly check-ups. Early detection is key. Men, we want to give you a space to connect with other men going through similar experiences. Together you can get through this.

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The ProstateCancer.net team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.

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Richard Faust Community Admin
Hi <inline-mention username="Diane Talbert" user-id="3268418"/>. Thank you for writing this. As you may know, even though I shy away from the title, I'm considered a caregiver for my wife. If I'm honest, one great fear is my getting sick and not being able to fulfill that role. This can cut two ways. A person can ignore one's health out of the fear of any bad news or become vigilant to try to catch any problems to ensure remaining healthy enough. It's only through the open discussion that second path is going to become the more common one. Best, Richard (ProstateCancer.net Team)
1. Diane Talbert Moderator & Contributor
 <inline-mention username="Richard Faust" user-id="3268931"/> Thank you for the kind words. I am also a caregiver and understand your fear. I am just so afraid that our young adult men won't speak up and get the care they need. Yes, we do have to talk about this. Community Moderator, Diane
kenneth1955 Member
Hello Diane. Thank you for your post. It is good to talk about things but how are you going to talk to your sons about sexual thing's when they will not talk to there buddy's. The prostate is not the first thing you are going to talk about with a friend at the bar. I have talked with my sons from the time they have been old enough to know what is going on. They are 39 & 36 now. It is easier for a father to talk to there son. I have talk about many things with them over the years. Even checking them self after a shower. I was told this by my GP when I was 16. You have to check because you are the only one that will see a change in your body. But when it comes to cancer that is a different story. In a man it will affect his sex life and no man want to have any problem with that. Maybe your sons are taking to each other and that would be a good thing. But if they do come to you just be there for them........Ken 
1. Diane Talbert Moderator & Contributor
 <inline-mention username="kenneth1955" user-id="3271962"/> Thank you so much for the feedback, Ken. I totally agree with you. My boys are 44 and 45, the only thing I say now is did you get a prostate check this year. They both blush and go, MOM!!! They don't feel they need to be tested, so as a mom, I will keep asking and keep preaching to them. Community Moderator, Diane
kenneth1955 Member
Diane....That is all we can do is talk to them and keep asking. One day they will get the message. We just want to keep them safe....Ken
Beverly Baldwin Moderator & Contributor
We really do want our men to have the space to be vulnerable. Society has made many feel that they are not suppose to cry or show feelings other than strength. I believe the real strength is a man being vulnerable enough to express his feelings and ask for help when its needed. Women have to work hard to provide that space for them without judgement. Before my dad passed from prostate cancer, I was a caregiver for him. He was such an easy-going patient, still trying to be independent and do things on his own. It is all about perspective and respecting one another. You can get more accomplished when you work as a team! Beverly (Prostatecancer.net Moderator) 
1. Diane Talbert Moderator & Contributor
 <inline-mention username="Beverly Baldwin" user-id="3267017"/>, You are so right about that. We had never even mentioned the words prostate cancer in our family; it wasn't until my father got it that we saw the light. This is when I started advocating for this. This was never a subject brought up in our household. I am so sorry to hear about your dad. They are the first man that we loved without judgment. Thanks for the kind words. Diane, Community Moderator

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