Who Do I Tell About My Diagnosis?

By Dennis E. Golden

1 min read

In this video Dennis offers his insights on how he made it known to family and friends that he was diagnosed with an aggressive prostate cancer. He points out the importance of taking your time, and says to carefully consider the kinds of connections and relationships you are in with a spouse, an employer, and friends.

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Jim Early Moderator & Contributor
Dennis, You do such a good job of picking topics that often get overlooked. We need to always remember that once we have started sharing our diagnosis we can't really put the cat back in the bag! News spreads quickly and you need to consider whether those you share with will also tell others who you may not want to share with right away. You may be surprised to find that some "close friends" suddenly seem distant; or, on the other hand, some will want to immediately treat you with a degree of alarm or pity. That's why your opening statement is important, reminding us that for most this disease is slow growing. Remember, that while this diagnosis isn't fun, it also isn't a reason for people to "stay away" or to "hover" based on their fear and misunderstanding of our situation. Education helps and when we do share it may be wise to offer some education at the beginning of the conversation. Since I run a support group and, like you, moderate online; I have chosen to widely share my journey. For me, and I assume for you, this sharing is itself therapeutic; and I like to feel that in some way I'm making lemonade out of this cancer lemon I've been handed. For others, sharing their diagnosis is a very intimate decision and your video framed this perfectly, thanks! 
1. Dennis E. Golden Moderator & Contributor
 <inline-mention username="Jim Early" user-id="4566171"/> Like you I have stumbled over a few discoveries while wandering around and bumping into things in life. The first for me was ... sharing joys, fears and even grief with others is very healing. Second I always learned far more about human nature from those I taught vs what I taught them. . Although employed at various corporations I always had a lot of fun after work teaching speech and communications at several area universities. Helping students overcome their paralyzing fear of public speaking over time allow them and ME to see strangers as friends first vs someone who is simply sitting there and judging me. When you relax and decide to be who you are --- true friends stand out while others just fade away and you never miss them. So glad you also enjoy sharing the details of your journey with prostate cancer. Dennis(ProstateCancer.net TEAM)
Sue Franke Moderator & Contributor
Thanks for sharing that, Dennis. Deciding on who to tell and when to tell is difficult. I think the first step is to actually let yourself absorb your diagnosis before you can even talk about it. For me, it was a matter of being able to speak without tears because I didn't want to overly concern my children and they have seldom see me cry. If I cry, it means something big. I don't want to make it something big, even if it is, and we all know that cancer is a big deal in all cases. I just feel that I need to have my emotions in control as much as possible first. 
1. Dennis E. Golden Moderator & Contributor
 <inline-mention username="Sue Franke" user-id="4506969"/> It is not easy to hold back the tears - it is part of being human. It took some time following my wife's death to understand that it was ok to show emotion, grieve and cry. As you said cancer is a big deal and on my journey with several cancers and more I discovered holding in all of those raw emotions just prolongs the pain. Sharing, crying and running into the emotional storm holding hands with family members appears to have helped everyone in my family weather the emotional storm. Just my thoughts on the benefits of letting go when you think you need to hold on . Dennis(ProstateCancer.net TEAM)
Richard Faust Community Admin
Hi <inline-mention username="Dennis Golden" user-id="3259730"/>. You raise a really interesting point about when treatment becomes obvious and making decisions on how to let people know because the if to say anything becomes a moot point. My wife, Kelly, has had to deal with these questions at various points, such as interviews (the wheelchair is pretty obvious) or other work situations. One thing we've learned is that if a medical condition is going to cause one to miss work or need an accommodation it is best to be upfront because no amount of waiting or hedging is going to change the need. Best, Richard (ProstateCancer.net Team)
Beverly Baldwin Moderator & Contributor
I had never really thought about this topic, however it is a much-needed topic to discuss. I had 2 friends that were diagnosed with breast cancer and the other thyroid cancer. One felt the need to post on social media as soon as she found out. The other didn't want to tell anybody because she didn't want people to feel sorry for her or treat her differently. I do believe that you should internalize who you should tell and the reasoning behind it. What are you trying to gain by telling them? As you stated children should know as well as your employer if you are still working while receiving treatments. Thank you for bringing this topic to the forefront. It is needed for others to navigate. Beverly (Prostatecancer.net Moderator)