Words are Powerful

By Sue Franke

3 min read

It’s hard to know what to say to someone who has recently been diagnosed with cancer. I’ve heard so many comments that seem to be made without thought given to the impact on the patient. I’ve also heard comments that are simple, supportive, and show deep concern. Here are some examples of the good, the bad, and the ugly comments that have been offered to me.

Bad reactions to a cancer diagnosis

When I told my neighbor that my daughter was recently diagnosed with breast cancer, my neighbor informed me that her aunt had the same diagnosis and died within a month. I don’t think much has to be said about the impact that kind of statement had on me. It took a while, but I’m now past being angry over her comment. However, I certainly learned that she is not someone I should ever confide in or reach out to for counsel or support.

Learning who you can trust with your emotions, your fears, with your heart is something that’s critical to both the caregiver and the patient. Having someone to reach out to any time day or night can build strength and determination and help us understand that we are definitely not alone. Loneliness in facing cancer is a horrible disease unto itself, a disease we all have some power to eradicate.

Another statement I’ve often heard is "it will be okay." Many people don’t know what to say, and that’s an easy response. While that comment may be easy, it’s typically not helpful, compassionate, or supportive, and can be hurtful instead. I personally feel it diminishes what the patient is going through. It can simplify what is far from being a simple situation.

It's not a "good cancer"

Don’t comment that the person at least has the good kind of cancer. There is no good cancer. Sure, some cancers are more easily treated than others, but a good cancer is something that doesn’t exist. As a recently-diagnosed cancer patient myself, I’ve been told “at least you have the easy cancer,” and, “be glad you have the good cancer.”

Cancer is not easy; cancer is not good. I’ve been diagnosed with stage 0 breast cancer, but it’s still cancer. I still have to have surgery, radiation, and hormone therapy. This cancer is causing anxiety, fear; it’s changing me, changing my direction. I’m very grateful it’s not worse, but it’s still not an “easy” cancer.

Better things to say

“What can I do to help” is something that I think many of us have said. I know I have. A cancer patient may not know how to answer that, may not even know where to begin in seeking help with managing everything outside of treatment. When possible, it may be better to be specific. “I’ll come over this afternoon and cut your grass,” or “I’ll shovel your driveway after the snow tomorrow.”

When my husband was first diagnosed, decorating for Christmas wasn’t even a thought. But we woke up one morning to bright lights outside and found that our neighbors had placed Christmas lights all across our porch. What a surprise, what a blessing.

Don't just say nothing

Finally, don’t just say nothing. Sometimes the silence can be the proverbial elephant in the room. Just like thoughtless comments, silence can hurt. Even a simple “I’m so sorry” to acknowledge the disease and its significance may be enough. And if you know the patient well enough, a warm hug or embrace can convey what words cannot.

Words are powerful. They can give comfort, instill hurt, make us feel helpless, or make us feel hopeful. Choosing our words carefully is something we can probably all think about more often. I know I can.

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The ProstateCancer.net team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.

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Climbing Forever Member
“I am thinking about you” in addition to “what can I do?” are the comments I found most helpful.
Frederick Thurber Moderator & Contributor
This is an important article on a tricky subject. I had planned to write about it myself but was scooped by Ms. Franke; however I think that Ms. Franke has done a better job it than I could. I think that each person will respond differently to such conversations, but this article is a good baseline. I have heard "I am praying for you" from a fairly devout friend of mine, and I appreciated it since I suspect she was being sincere and really did pray for me. As far as prostate cancer, I heard a number of people say that they or a relative had/has it and have managed it very well. My father-in-law had prostate cancer, treated it with radiation, and lived 25 years or so after. I found these comments reassuring. On the other hand, my boss said he knew someone who had prostate cancer, and it was no big deal. He got a prostatectomy and "wore a bag for a few weeks and was back at work". I got the hint, but to hell with that. That was one of the reasons I retired; I don't need to work for someone that insensitive. But what do you say to someone that has, say, a really aggressive form of cancer such as pancreatic cancer? I am sort of at a loss here except to say, "I am sorry to hear that." Does anyone have some suggestions?
1. Sue Franke Moderator & Contributor
 <inline-mention username="Frederick Thurber" user-id="4142698"/> I think that what "Climbing Forever" said in his comments above are good answers for such a tough situation - "I am thinking about you” in addition to “what can I do?" Something else we've found helpful that supported us physically and mentally were people who just jumped in and did things for us. We'd find our sidewalks shoveled after a heavy snow. The grass was cut before we even had to think about doing it ourselves. Someone would drop off a meal or a plate of cookies, bowl of fruit. Sometimes actions can be just as helpful as meaningful words.
Beverly Baldwin Moderator & Contributor
This article was a much-needed article for many! I find it difficult to believe that people can be so insensitive to what others go through. After losing my dad to prostate cancer, there were so many that tried to comfort me with their words, but it didn't help. One I heard the most was, "yeah Bev when my grandma died, or when my cousin, died, it was such and such". I never understood how someone could take what I was going through and turn it into something about themselves. As the years go on, unfortunately I have learned that people struggle to be empathetic until there is something that directly happens or affects them. I hope that others can find the right words to comfort people. What I loved most was the gestures of kindness as you stated in your article. Its thoughtful and shows that others are willing to put someone else's needs or happiness before theirs. Great read! Beverly (Prostatecancer.net Team)