My Sex Desire Is Gone

By Diane Talbert

2 min read

We live in a world where sex seems to be everywhere. I’m a baby boomer and in the last 20 or so years, I have seen more sex on TV than I have seen in my whole life. I don’t have a problem with sex, but I feel that men think need to live up to what society thinks they should.

I can’t look at a show on TV with my grandkids or my elderly parents anymore without some sort of sex scene coming on. I don’t allow the kids on the internet in my presence because I have to monitor every site that they go on.

Focus on yourself

This got me to thinking one day about men, prostate cancer, and sex. There can be times when sex is nonexistent in the bedroom. When you are told you have prostate cancer, it takes a blow to your being and your sex drive is probably out the window. Your main goal is just to concentrate on your diagnosis. You need to learn all you can about your disease and treatment plans.

Now it’s time to get your emotions in check; you may be sad and depressed at times and not know where to turn. It might be that way for a while, so don’t expect to be superman in the bedroom. It’s all about you right now.

It takes time to heal

As time goes by you may begin to feel better and things may start to get back on the right track. You start communicating more with your partner and realize that you have plenty to live for. You might realize that before you got sick you had a great relationship and how much this person was a part of you. Your significant other wants to share their life with you as much as you with them. Women understand that you might be different now, but they do understand.

Feeling robbed of our life

I was talking to a gentleman the other day who had prostate cancer. He had been married for 15 years. He told me that he loved his wife as much as he did at day one. His sexual desire has diminished, but his love for her would never die. He said with the medication, pain, and fatigue; it just takes away his desire for sex. He told me that at times he feels like he had been robbed of his life. He is 45 years old.

A marriage is not just sex; you have to build a relationship as we all know. You are still the same person with prostate cancer, you might have to work a little harder on the sex part. Talk with your partner openly and honestly about how you feel. Don’t assume you know how someone is feeling; communicate with them.

Everyone is different

Of course, everyone is different and will not experience the same thing. There are people who will have an upbeat attitude about their diagnosis and not let the sex thing affect them at all. There are others whose sex life changes a lot. I’m sure some of this has to do with your age, attitude, and lifestyle.

As we know cancer treatment can change how we look. You might get bigger or smaller in weight, lose hair, etc. You may feel awkward about how your partner sees you now.

Remember...you are not alone

Just remember men that you are not alone in this journey. Spread the word that early detection is the key. Get tested today.

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The ProstateCancer.net team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.

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Will Jones Moderator
Thanks for your insights, Diane. I'm 71. Most of my married friends are my age or older. A few of us have had prostate cancer treatment. We all acknowledge that intimacy with our wives has changed as we've gotten older and certainly prostate cancer has also had an impact. But we've also made adjustments that have helped maintain the quality of our intimate relationships. Seen as one part of the big picture, it's just one part of dealing with life's challenges as we age. In many ways, less emphasis on sex is liberating. Every small intimate gesture counts more. Kind of delightful, really. Would I have felt this way at 45 or 50? Probably not, but with love first, it may be easier to come to acceptance. Sooner or later, everyone has to deal with it.
1. Diane Talbert Moderator & Contributor
 You are so right Will. I know exactly what you mean. I have two autoimmune diseases that make me not want to think about sex at all. Yes, the intimate gestures are the best!! Happy New Year to you, Diane
Dennis E. Golden Moderator & Contributor
No matter how you look at it your body changes as you age with or without the challenge of a prostate cancer diagnosis. Personally by age 50 my erections were not the same as when I was younger. And while I could rise to the occasion, the rise was being impacted by gravity as the years passed. My wife and I have been married for 53 years and over that time, sex became less important. While still a part of our lives it was certainly not the primary driver of our relationship. The need to evolve and build a relationship with hopefully your best friend is a lot more than sex . My experience has been that priorities change with time and the need for mutual support and understanding takes on greater importance with advancing years. Candidly my wife and i are closer following my run in with PCa. Hopefully if you are ever diagnosed with this disease you will discover as I did that you have much to live for beyond sex. ... Dennis(ProstateCancer.net Team)
1. Diane Talbert Moderator & Contributor
 This was very well said Dennis. Thanks for sharing the knowledge and wisdom. Diane
kenneth1955 Member
Hello Diane I read what you wrote and I had to read it a few times because it is not so cut and dry. Sex is everywhere and we have to deal with it the way we want. I would not let my kids watch somethings until they got older and my grand kids are the same. I do believe in focus on yourself and do not let a doctor force you into any treatment that you do not want. Just because you get cancer does not mean you have to have surgery. Most prostate cancers are slow growing and do not need any treatment. Treatment is up to the individual and if he does not want to deal with the side effects he should not have to do anything. You say sex should not matter but it does. I have know many men that have been talked into surgery and have been told many lies and you say women will understand. I have 3 friend that have had surgery on there prostate and lose there sex life. Now there divorced and alone. Surgery for prostate cancer may be done to save your life but having it done is killing you in other ways. Yes you do feel robbed of your life but why should you give into it. I for one and many other men will not let cancer beat me. Everyone is different and we all have different concerns we are not alone but sometime it does feel like it. Age should not matter and doctor should be more concerned with what the patient wants. There are men that are still into sex at 75. I hope I will be like that at that age. This man had cancer and found a doctor that treated him not the the disease. Got rid of all the cancer and still enjoy sex 3 times a week. No man should even give in or give up. God bless of you.....Ken
Diane Talbert Moderator & Contributor
Hello kenneth1955, Thank you so much for responding and the positive feedback. I agree with everything you have said. It is up to the individual to decide what treatment they want and when. And your right; you should never give in or give up. I have saw where some wives leave their husbands after a diagnosis. I don't even know what to say. I just know that on a personal note I would not leave my husband for anything, but that's just me. We have been together for 25 years and counting. I like what you said about treating the disease and not the patient, that was very powerful. Thank you so much again for the input. I appreciated it. Take care, Diane

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