Selfless Sex – An Introduction

Last updated: November 2022

In another article, I mentioned how sex and your sexual health may change after cancer. There can be issues including erectile dysfunction (ED), problems with libido, and other psychological problems that affect your ability to satisfy your partner.

If you still have the desire to be sexual, your sexuality and sexual health may be different that it was in the past. The bottom line is your sexuality may be less "penis focused" and more "body focused." It may be more focused on building intimacy.

I like to call this Selfless Sex, where you give more to your partner than you receive, where you focus on the sexual pleasure of your lover. For me, there is nothing more fun than helping my lady have multiple orgasms and developing a deeper sense of intimacy by doing other, nonsexual things.

So, what is Selfless Sex, you ask?

Introducing Selfless Sex

I came up with five areas for sexual pleasure that are not focused on intercourse while bringing in other areas of the body and using your senses as well. Here we go . . .

The full body

We forget sometimes that we can experience pleasure from the bottom of our feet to the top of our heads (for example, a foot massage and scalp massage). In this instance, I am talking about moving beyond our genitals to exploring the entire body.

There is something called "skin hunger," where we have a desire to be touched, caressed, or massaged by others, especially someone we are intimate with. In other words, I am talking about kissing, licking, touching, and sucking other parts of the body beyond the genitals and breasts.

Focus on your partner's pleasure

This is where the idea of Selfless Sex really shows up. Let's define Selfless Sex as being more concerned with the sexual needs and sexual desires of others than with your own. While the degree to which you are able to engage with your lover may have changed due to cancer treatment and surgeries, your person still desires you. Pleasure them.

You have to be willing to try new things and explore sexually while receiving very little in return.

I have a feeling that being a selfless lover could be beneficial to you as well. At the same time, I have to say it may feel strange for your lover just to sit back and receive pleasure. It may be odd for them where they have to adjust as well.

Using sex toys

As I just mentioned, you have to be willing to try new things. If you have never tried sex toys, or “marital aids,” give them a try. There are hundreds of toys out there. Furthermore, if you think going grocery shopping is an adventure, you really need to go sex toy shopping. There is something overtly erotic about it.

Non-penetrative sex

If oral sex is something you are just not into or you have never tried before, you may want to open up a bit. Keep in mind, Selfless Sex is more about you giving pleasure to your partner than receiving. Most people enjoy receiving oral pleasure. At the same time, oral sex can move beyond the genitals. You can kiss someone from head to toe, taste them and lick them, breathe them in.

Rebuilding intimacy

There is another type of “oral sex” that is important, too, and that is communication. You should have open and honest conversations about life and prostate cancer, where you both talk about your hopes and fears.

Listening to each other is important. Don't just “uh huh” each other – that conversation is going no place fast. There are many other things you can do to build intimacy, and I will get into those topics as well.

Looking ahead at the Selfless Sex series

Now that I have sketched a broad outline of Selfless Sex, I will spend the next few articles adding color so you will be able to see and understand what I’m talking about. In the end, I hope these suggestions aid your sexual health, where you can enjoy your sexuality and/or add new items to your sexual repertoire.

Don't start swinging from the chandelier. I do not want you to hurt yourself. Just think about how much more sexual pleasure you can bring to your lover.

Check out the other articles from the Selfless Sex series:


By providing your email address, you are agreeing to our privacy policy.

More on this topic

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.

Join the conversation

Please read our rules before commenting.

Community Poll

What emotions have you experienced from your prostate cancer journey? (select all that apply)