How to Cope?

By jcunkle

1 min read

60 years old. Diagnosed in 2017 with aggressive prostate cancer. PSA 13.5 , up 12 in one year. Prostate removed 1 month later and found it had spread to lymph nodes. 8 weeks radiation with Lupron and Xtanti. After a year of Xtanti and Lupron I couldn’t function at work. Got off the Xtanti but stay on Lupron. Still alive with all the side effects.

When do any men in a similar situation decide to stop working? Always in fear of losing battle and not able to enjoy retirement.

How do you guys get past the no physical feelings towards your wife? I tend to go into deep depression when I know I cannot have those feelings to be part of our physical relationship. I feel like I’m a gross individual that she wants nothing to do with. 27 years with her, I know she loves me. Just can’t get rid of these feelings. Any good advice?

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Richard Faust Community Admin
Hi Jcunkle. Sorry you have been struggling. Know that there definitely men here who understand. While I can't speak personally to your questions, I want to share with you this article from our editorial team on prostate cancer anxieties, with links to many specific articles from our contributors with prostate cancer that may be of help: <a href='https://prostatecancer.net/living/anxiety-relationships-family' target='_blank'>https://prostatecancer.net/living/anxiety-relationships-family/</a>. Please know that this community is here for you. Best, Richard (ProstateCancer.net Team)
Will Jones Moderator
Hello <inline-mention user-id="3271273" username="jcunkle"/> . Thanks for sharing your experience and concerns. The road to recovery regarding intimacy can begin with the smallest of gestures. My wife and I have been together for almost 40 years. I had surgery two years ago which resulted in partial ED. We had to learn what would work for both of us through trial and error over a period of time. Along the way we made sure there plenty of hugs, kisses, hand holding, honesty about how we were feeling. It's not the way it was before my diagnosis and treatment, but it's good. But at 71, and after 40 years, good is more than good enough.
amylynv Community Admin
Hi <inline-mention user-id="3271273" username="jcunkle"/> . I posted your story to our Facebook page. We got this response from one of our community members that I wanted to share with you here. "Jcunkle, most of us who’ve had Lupron or any other ADT drug have experienced what you’re going thru sexually, or more apropos, asexually. I just had one 6-month shot of Lupron, but for 10 months I kid I had to look up what S-E-X meant in a dictionary. Patti and I had good talks about it, and she fully understood. While we’ve had a great intimate relationship, she was okay with where I was. I would give her orgasms somewhat regularly, but she couldn’t even begin to give me an erection during that time, let alone an orgasm. Remember, at our age sex doesn’t define a relationship like it did even in our 50’s. If after talking to your wife about this and you can’t bring yourself to accept it, I strongly recommend seeing a psychologist. In my case, the Lupron gave me severe depression (even though it is still a small percent who get depression from Lupron, it’s a 29% increase over the percent of what the general population gets. Plus it is more severe, as 21% more of us who get depression from Lupron need to be treated in a facility.) It didn’t take long for my psychologist to turn me over to a psychiatrist because she recognized I needed antidepressant drugs to deal with it. (Clinical depression is due to our hormones and/or certain chemicals in our brain.). Now it’s four years later, I’d love to get off those antidepressants because I don’t like to take drugs if I can help it (and I’ve tried cutting back on them with no success), they do wonders for my depression. (I was on the antidepressants for about 6 months when my wife said to me, “I have my husband back”.) The bottom line is I strongly suggest you seek professional help as we can’t handle true depression by ourselves. Len Smith <a href='https://prostatecancer.net' target='_blank'>ProstateCancer.net</a> Moderator" We hope you find the connection and resources help. We are glad you're here. Take care, Amylyn (<a href='https://prostatecancer.net' target='_blank'>ProstateCancer.net</a>, Team Member)
Dennis E. Golden Moderator & Contributor
We all have different experiences with this thing called prostate cancer. I was also diagnosed with an aggressive form (Gleason9) but was able to have surgery. Following surgery I thought I was ok and then 5 years later it came back and along with that came Lupron and 40 radiation treatments. And yup my sex life changed after that, I am fully aware and understand all of this can kill the physical part of a relationship. That said I have found that IF. .. you choose to give it a chance you may .... develop more of a relationship with your partner that does not center on sex. I have found sex is as much about what is happening below the belt as it is above the shoulders. Touching, kissing, embracing and caring can go a long way in reinventing your relationship. You can make a decision to regret certain losses or you can decide that today is a new day and you can move on to new adventures. I admit it is not easy but no one ever told me that life is easy ... That said I know that at least for my wife and I our relationship has become more rewarding I hope it can be for you as well. Your wife has already told you she loves you and in my book that would mean I am 90% there😀 ... Dennis(ProstateCancer.net Team)
Dennis E. Golden Moderator & Contributor
I was also diagnosed with an aggressive form of prostate cancer - Gleason 9 and have gone through surgery. A few years later the cancer returned and required lupron and radiation. The end result is the little engine that could get erect now no longer works. And yes it has taken some time to adjust. Along the way my wife and I have found that intercourse was not the only way to show affection. Strangely enough it is often the little things that make a big difference in how our relationship has improved. Being thoughtful and helpful and focusing on your partners needs does wonders. I learned that I married my best friend and we are discovering new ways to build that relationship every day. My advice is focus on the fact that she loves you. That bond can go a long way to make things better. Dennis(ProstateCancer.net Team)