Loss. Loss. Loss

Losses with prostate cancer

My journey has been about dealing with LOSS. In the early weeks and months, it is a loss of balance as you decide about treatment, weigh the inevitable side effects and come to a decision. In the early weeks, you struggle with the potential loss of life. That struggle eventually gives way to a murmur in the background. Never gone. I am not there yet, but I expect that if my PSA takes off again that murmur will trade places with a moan.

Physical capability loss

It is about the loss of body integrity as pieces are cut or burnt out of you. From my earliest years, controlling my bladder was important; if not for me then to the adults who raised me. LOSS of bladder control is an assault. I like to think that I am more than my penis. I am. Really? Yes, really! The loss of erections after prostatectomy has been a deep blow. I did all the rehab and I am confident that my surgeon did his best to "spare" the nerves. The rehab failed. The nerve-sparing failed. Then I tried to bargain with myself: "penetrative" sex is not the only sex. That is true. But I miss it. I like to think that I am more than my semen. I am. Really? Yes, really! I miss my semen. It will never come back. That is a loss.

Things I havn't lost

I have not lost the comfort and support of people around me. My partner. The men in my support group. I have not lost the capacity to support other men who are newer to their journey with PCa. I have NOT LOST my capacity to laugh at myself and the absurdity of a 78-year-old man lamenting his lost erection. But there it is! And it is OK.