Interview: Speaking Up and Forming a New Bond After Prostate Cancer

Following a prostate cancer diagnosis and treatment, men often view themselves differently. The following is Dennis's interview with his fiancé, Lynda. In this interview, she openly discusses her late husband’s battle with cancer and the challenges she overcame as she tried to find new intimacy, sexuality, and more with Dennis, a prostate cancer survivor.

A cancer diagnosis

By all accounts, my late husband, Matt, of 53 years, and I lived a rather traditional life. Due to my high fashion and fine arts career choices, I often traveled extensively. In many ways, it was a Hallmark marriage. We never argued, even when he would tell his friends and business associates that I was his trophy wife. The catchphrase “life is good” applies to us in many ways.

Over time, intimacy slowly became routine. Years prior to my learning of his cancer, though, he became increasingly standoffish, and our intimacy became less frequent and routine. Hugging, kissing, and the here-to-for normal emotions of the past faded away. I tried to ask what was wrong.

It took another 2 years until I found out he was facing an aggressive cancer. Whenever I accompanied him on a medical visit, he would become annoyed if I took notes or asked questions. No matter how I approached the topic, cancer was something he never wanted to discuss.

Out of nowhere, he wanted us to get a new puppy amid our emotional turmoil. At the time, I thought taking on a pet at this stage should not have been such a pressing priority. Looking back, I now realize the puppy was a substitute for human affection, and a puppy surely would never ask many questions. After Matt’s death, I could put the puzzle pieces together.

A surprise meeting

Following his passing, I went into total seclusion, resigned that my remaining years would be spent in quiet solitude. We didn't have children together. My two stepchildren lived out of state, and any close connections there suffered from the curse of distance.

At the one-year mark, my girlfriend suggested we go out for coffee and explore the world socially. I wasn't interested in meeting anyone, but I talked with a man at the next table. I was instantly attracted to him, which took me totally by surprise.

Where my late husband would not share information, this man was quite open about his prostate cancer advocacy work. He was very informative and, at the same time, showed a lot of caring. My attraction to him went way beyond a simple sexual attraction. I saw he was about building relationships. We met for coffee often, and in time, we shared personal stories.

Forming a tight bond

As our relationship grew, I wondered how I would take the next step. After being married for 53 years, I was nervous about lying in bed with another man. I wondered if he would be attracted to an older, small, thin woman. Surprisingly, I never felt insecure as we discovered an intimate relationship that was not based exclusively on sexual penetration. The emotion of holding one another and caressing led to an intimacy that was extremely satisfying for both of us.

Sexual intimacy can be different after prostate cancer treatment, and my advice to couples who face the reality of treatment and recovery is to sit down and talk about your feelings. Don't bury your feelings or fear rejection. Dennis and I have built an amazing relationship. I am both ashamed to say and happy to say it's more fulfilling than I had in my previous Hallmark marriage.

Building a new bridge

As our love grew, I spoke with a psychologist because the feelings I had now were stronger than I had for my late husband, even without the need for penetrative sex. She explained that it was very normal and that I was reaching a new plateau in my life. I had apparently opened my heart to a loving, caring, and affectionate man. Through communication, we built a new bridge.

Even after prostate cancer treatment, I think men have an amazing opportunity to offer their partners a true and perhaps deeper level of love that can often mean more than that oh-so-traditional “quick toss in the sack.”