More Than Sex: Intimacy After Prostate Cancer Treatment

1 min read

Sex is only one way to express intimacy. Whether holding hands or cooking together, different forms of intimacy can be great for a relationship. Finding new forms of intimacy is especially important when sex isn't the same (or as possible) after prostate cancer treatment.

We have heard from some of you about how you express intimacy. Check out our animation to see what the community shared. And tell us in the comments below: How do you express intimacy?

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Sue Franke Moderator & Contributor
To me intimacy is a way of life with your spouse. Sex is only a small part of being intimate. It's how you treat each other as you walk through your day, sharing a kiss while cooking dinner, making your spouse his or her favorite dessert, dancing in the kitchen when a favorite song comes on the radio, sharing thoughts about a book you're both reading. There's a lot more to intimacy and it can be found in the everyday things you do but that you do with love and compassion. 
1. Marc77 Member
 <inline-mention username="Sue Franke" user-id="4506969"/> Nice and meaningful reply. Intimacy in my case now, is exploring the inner being of my spouse to the depths as never before realizing how fortunate we are to be able to openly share our most inner and outer selves. That is very deep satisfaction and we are so fortunate. Traditional physical sex no longer despite many ongoing periodic male urges except on rare occasions by irregular means for us because of other complications. Sex is such a great unitive and pro-creative tool of giving to one another, but given the circumstances, we have found this close intimacy within ourselves. We did not take vows for sex in our marriage, but for a deeper love. Post RP now for 15 years, nothing works and desire for injections has waned. All is good… have three children +, good health, no longer heart problems and NO Cancer - PSA negligible. God is good.
2. metchnikov Member
 I totally agree with you.I had a prostatectomy 4 and a half years ago. my recovery went fairly well until last year when the PSA started rising. A spot was discovered and I was treated with calibrated radiation to the spot which appears to have controlled the spot. My wife has not been too supportive. when the Urologist mentioned how important intimacy and sex were there was a shut down. To be fair she has never been the same since going through Post Partum. Not the same girl I married. Same voice but a different person. It's been a rough ride. If I we talk she quickly becomes irritated. No birthday , anniversary, Christmas, Father's Day or Eaaster cards. Something I really enjoyed from her a she is talented with the Irish gift or writing. No I live you unless I say it and even then there's hesitation. If it were not for my network of Family and dear friends my morale would surely suffer.
Diane Talbert Moderator & Contributor
Hello <inline-mention username="Sue Franke" user-id="4506969"/> , This is so true. My father remarried at 72, the same year he got PC. I'm sure there was a lot more to their relationship besides sex. She is 88 and he is 89 now. Every time I'm in the same room with them she always said. "I lovessss my husband. " I keep telling her she is going to make me puke. LOL, She fell 3 years ago and broke her hip and has to be in a wheelchair, they are like teenagers. Long story short, when she first came home, they had to have separate beds because of her illness. She needed a hospital bed. They told me, they weren't having this!!! BOY, THESE YOUNG ADULTS!!!! Diane, Team Member
1. Sue Franke Moderator & Contributor
 <inline-mention username="Diane Talbert" user-id="3268418"/> That's great. I love that story.
kenneth1955 Member
Yes this is very true but being intimate with your partner can and will be different after cancer. You may not get your erections back. I do not have cancer but I have had many friends that have had to deal with this problem. It take a special partner to stick by there man. I have know women that have left there husband because of the change. One man that I know for years had to have his prostate remove he was almost 60 at the time. He messed it more then his wife. She was at a time in her life that she did not enjoy sex anymore. They lived life one day at a time . They still kissed, went for dinners and movies. They still lived a full life. They were married over 60 years when she died. And he is still around with his family and friends. That is only one way it works but you can also have the ones that go dark. My one friend was told he had cancer and had to have it removed. After fighting with the doctor and his wife he had it done. He was only 48. He had a very bad outcome. There was no movement down below. He tried everything even the shots. After 6 month's he was so depressed that he tried to kill himself. His wife called me and I went to talk to him. He locked himself in his bedroom. I have knew him for about 5 years and we became friends. I was able to get in and we had a very good talk. I was able to get the gun away from him. First thing he wanted to know was what he did to have gotten cancer. Also he blamed his wife because she push him into having it done. His doctor was another story. He could not get a hold of him most of the time. He stopped taking his calls because he did not know what to do for him. I let him just vent. Get it off his chest. They I told him you have to live. You have a loving wife that has not run away. Also you have 2 small girls that needs there father. They were 8 and 4 at the time. He got married late. I told him there is a lot to do and for him to get his records from the doctor to see what the records of the surgery was. I told him we need to find out if anything happen during the surgery that was not told to him. So that is what we did. After reading the report we found out that one of the nerve bundles was damaged. The doctor never told him. So with one he still had a chance if that one was good. Long story short. It is going on about 5 years. It has taking him time to forgive his wife and they are doing much better. He enjoyed his kids and he has learned to be there for his wife. Sex has not return to normal but they still have fun. The last time I talked to him he said that he was able to get a semi erection and has had a few orgasms not like before but something. You just have to keep trying. With having your prostate removed you have to have your family support and you have to have a good doctor. Someone that cares for the whole man not just getting rid of the cancer. Research is the key. Always get a second or a third opinion before you do any surgery. God Bless you all...Ken 
1. kenneth1955 Member
 <inline-mention username="Diane Talbert" user-id="3268418"/> No problem. We just can't give up. There is always hope.
2. Sue Franke Moderator & Contributor
 <inline-mention username="kenneth1955" user-id="3271962"/> What a heartbreaking story but one that changed for the better over time. Time can heal, forgiveness can take place, and sometimes to even begin those processes it takes someone outside the family to listen, speak and encourage. That's what you did. You helped your friend take his first steps to moving forward in a more positive way. You helped him put down the gun - perhaps you saved his life. Thank you for sharing this story. with us and for sharing your life and time with your friend.
CommunityMember152 Member
I experience no kind of intimacy from my spouse since having my prostate removed. It SUCKS!!!
CancerSucks49 Member
I experience no kind of intimacy from my spouse since having my prostate removed. It SUCKS!!!
Rod Ritchie Moderator & Contributor
Regaining libido after treatment is very important as an aid to intimacy and dealing with ED: https://prostatecancer.net/living/libido
kmpollari Member
We struggled with intimacy after my RALP. Shots, pumps, pills with minimal or no success. Then we started having what we called "naked time". We take all our clothes off and lie under the sheets and caress, cuddle, rub and gently appreciate each other's bodies. It has taken the edge off of my inadequacies and have found it to be mutually satisfying. It has evolved somewhat and sometimes our sex is like tic-tac-toe. I have the x'es and she gets all the O's! By being able to satisfy her, fulfills my desire to pleasure her and satisfies men libido, but in a different way. It's not what it once was but it has helped us immeasurably achieve in some ways a higher level of intimacy than we ever had before.
1. Diane Talbert Moderator & Contributor
 <inline-mention username="kmpollari" user-id="3265336"/> Thank you for sharing this. It will help someone. Diane (Team Member)
Guy Meredith Moderator & Contributor
My wife has not been able to have intercourse since menopause over 25 years ago. She made a brave effort, but it just was not to be. I suggested a naked night as did <inline-mention username="kmpollari" user-id="3265336"/> . She shared that all women like to be seduced. I also found being seduced worked for me when I had no libido. Sort of like extended foreplay and I love it. Guy B. Meredith, moderator. 
1. Diane Talbert Moderator & Contributor
 <inline-mention username="Guy Meredith" user-id="3261432"/> I love it and being seduced does work!! Diane (Team Member)
Dennis E. Golden Moderator & Contributor
Best advice is treat your wife like you did on your first date - Hopefully you were thoughtful and aware of her feelings and you did everything possible to both please and respect her. Pretty simple and it worked (most of the time) for me for 57 years
Marc77 Member
It seems like the roll of the male may change after RP. Him the driver is no longer… he becomes more like a woman and both need to change to accommodate the other. Spontaneity is no longer and means to orgasm is not the same. Just relax, accept and be patient to what comes and enjoy the loving relationship with your loved one. No specific goals other than to be with one another.
Providence Prostate Support Group Member
The penis is not the only sex organ. The entire body and brain can create intimacy. Sexual "intimacy" is a holdover from Victorian times and language. My best intimacy occurs every single day as I lie with my head on my partner's chest as we warm each other and talk about our day and how we have been. Honest, bare sharing.
CommunityMember470bd5 Member
Dave321
CommunityMember470bd5 Member
It seems that every comment refers to couples working there way through his cancer diagnosis. Nowhere is there any mention of men who for one reason or another are alone when they have their diagnosis. While I envy those with a partner to work through these problems there is little concern for those who are single and are made to feel invisible.
1. Dennis E. Golden Moderator & Contributor
 <inline-mention username="CommunityMember470bd5" user-id="3258566"/> Sorry for the delayed response. I did not see your post until today. You raise an interesting point about facing this disease as a single male. I could not relate to your concerns until 2022 when I found myself suddenly widowed and single after 50+ years. At one point, I decided it was time to reach out and seek companionship and female support versus choosing to remain unattached. There was a lot of concern and apprehension about not having the full sexual function of an adult male following surgery. Upon entering the dating pool, my approach at the appropriate time was to be forthright about the impacts of my surgery, radiation, and ADT. While there were exceptions, I surprisingly discovered many women were supportive and open to exploring the depths of a relationship versus being overly concerned about the demands for intercourse after only a few dates. Rather than choosing to be invisible, I formed the National Prostate Cancer Awareness Foundation and spoke nationwide on the topic of men's health. I hope that from the time your post was written, you have found support as a single male facing this disease. Please reach out to let us know how you are doing .. Dennis(ProstateCancer.net TEAM)