Intimacy and Dating After Prostate Surgery

The early morning hours before my scheduled prostatectomy were filled with a range of mixed feelings from abject fear to wondering if I would ever be able to rise to the occasion in the future. It is amazing what your mind and body can conjure up under extreme stress. Knowing I was about to undergo a life-changing surgical procedure put all my emotions and thoughts swirling.

My sex life after surgery

After endless delays in getting to the surgical suite, I slowly became aware of my surroundings at 10:30 that evening and learned that the 5½ hours of surgery went well. To the surgeons and pathologists alike, it appeared my cancer was contained and there was no evidence of spread. Ten days later the catheter was removed, and day by day I began to return to a new normal life. At that time, I had been married for 40+ years, and while we still loved each other, the passions of our youth had long disappeared.

On a follow-up appointment, my MD strongly suggested I take a course of Viagra for a year to help increase blood flow. His suggestion was met with spouse silence and then questioning. We had not been sexually active for some time, and her question was why it was needed. After the urologist offered an in-depth explanation of the medical benefits of the little blue pill, all the players agreed to focus on the therapeutic benefits vs the “potential stress” of an increased desire for sexual activity.

While my MD suggested taking the meds for 12 months, I stopped at the 6-month mark knowing there was no real need to continue. At that time, my spouse was also asking why I might have an interest in filing additional new prescriptions considering the lack of interest levels on the home front. The logic made sense at the time, and the decision also helped avoid additional stress. As with all things in life, change was about to happen.

Starting to date again

In May 2022, my wife of 50+ years died suddenly and unexpectedly one Sunday morning. Once again, I found myself in a tailspin. Much like the day-to-day recovery from the emotional and physical impacts of prostate surgery, I discovered that time has a way of healing and lessening grief over a former life that has passed.

At the one-year mark, I slowly began exploring the benefits and depths of the dating pool. The two questions that immediately surfaced were, “How do you go about dating and finding someone after 50 years?" And, "how could I possibly satisfy a new partner emotionally or physically given the many years of sexual abstinence?”

Finding more forms of intimacy

After a few false starts, I eventually met a woman one morning for a cup of coffee. For some reason, we hit it off. We moved slowly and continued to meet casually for weeks until one day when I invited her over for a glass of wine and a home-cooked dinner. In time we became close, and intimacy just happened. She was aware of my surgery and much to my surprise had read up on men and intimacy after prostate surgery.

We discovered we did not need an erection to have satisfying sex. All it took was a glass of wine, candlelight, and a fireplace, combined with an erotically-motivated partner who offered some penile stimulation. It was more than enough to trigger a response.

My takeaway is this: if a person is willing to give themselves a break, relax, and go easy on themselves, that person and a motivated partner can potentially still find pleasure after prostate cancer treatment.