Something I wrote to help deal with my surgery

January 9, 2012

MEMORANDUM

TO: INQUIRING UNITS/DEPARTMENTS
FROM: MICHAEL PRICE, LTD. MANAGEMENT

RE: CATASTROPHIC EVENTS REPORTS

DEAR BODY:

Numerous memoranda have flooded headquarters involving reports/concerns regarding an apparent systemic earthquake or similar catastrophic event(s) reported to have occurred in our pelvic/supra-pelvic areas earlier today, January 9, 2012. The purpose of this memorandum is to address the facts of such reports and the projected course of the organism from this point forward.

In mid-November of last year, management received the disconcerting news of malfunction/threats emanating from certain plumbing-related parts/functions in the general pelvic region. Involved units were centered in the reproductive and urology related functions. These reports were deemed credible and indicated continued and further potentially imminent malfunctions which could spread and threaten the integrity and viability of the entire corporeal and body politic. Our very existence could be threatened if the threats were not dealt with appropriately.

Management thereafter undertook extensive internal and external research and investigation. Outside consultants of the highest reputation were consulted, and, after due consideration, the decision was made to aggressively confront and, if possible, immediately and permanently eliminate/defuse the present and future threats.

The loss of any part of any department or function is grievous. The decision made did not come easily or without various "agonies". However, the prime directive of preservation of life was and is clear, was affirmed as the determinative decision criterion, and has led to measures designed to result in an early and definitive course of remedial action. Further, the decision made has necessarily resulted in the permanent loss of function of some units in the reproductive department and will impair some related reproductive and other functions to some extent and to unknown permanency.

We report that the events of January 9th involved the remedial action deemed necessary to effectively deal with the referenced threats and involved sacrifice of a significantly compromised prostate and close proximity structures of the seminal vesicle and vas deferens, as well as other tissues. A moment of silence was observed and, as you witness, life has continued and even progressed.

All information developed indicates that the threats uncovered were still purely local in extent, and, once removed, as they have now been, have been permanently negated. Further evaluation will confirm or debunk the accuracy of that assessment, but, we can certainly report that all preliminary indications are positive for that result. In the unlikely event of further issue, the same can and will be aggressively treated. Management does not doubt ultimate success.

As mentioned, however, there are certain residual issues which will resolve, or not, in due time. First, should you hear or receive reports of further plumbing issues involving episodic and not completely predictable discharges of renal end product, the same will most likely be correct. Should this occur as expected, we cannot advise at the present time how long such phenomena will persist. Suffice it to say that forewarned is forearmed and management is fully prepared to render supportive care until the residuals either resolve or are determined to be a permanent feature of our remaining days. Relevant experiential data suggests a 95% or so satisfactory resolution of such issues. A better quality whiskey and remaining sphincter exercise program, among other measures, are anticipated, with expectation of success.

Of greater concern to ego units than non-related functional units is the expected at least temporary interruption in penile erectile function. All units will unquestionably be "pulling" for complete recovery in this increment of function. However, we must face the fact that complete restoration of spontaneous function in that regard is problematic, perhaps not exceeding 25%. In a small percentage of cases, the loss of function becomes permanent. If any less than optimal result should be realized, then, as necessary/desired, auxiliary support by various external modalities may become necessary and will be employed. Management considers this potential a necessary and reasonable adjunct of the remedial course selected and all departments and units are encouraged to extend complete support, whichever way the issue concludes.

There are other residual issues potential in the remedial course undertaken. One such issue could involve obstructive scar tissue formed in the wake of restorative urethral anastamosis. This could interfere with urination to a variable degree. This is, obviously, concerning; however, again, a necessary risk. Efforts to minimize this risk explain further reports of a plastic tube extending from the penis into the bladder. Early support/maintenance of urinary ductal patency is imperative. This measure is expected to last about 5 days and is credited with frequent success in preventing this most unwanted consequence of the procedures undertaken on January 9th. Further ameliorative measures may be periodically required. We are credibly informed that even if the "worst occurred" and scar-tissue mediated blockage of the affected plumbing lines of a more permanent nature were to occur, the same are ultimately treatable to probably greater, but not guaranteed extent. Patience please.

There are additional potential concerns, but management deems those of lesser potential and significance than those specifically referenced, and, in all events, a reasonable sacrifice in furtherance of the prime directive, even in the probably unlikely event any of the same should occur. Management is vigilant!

Obviously, management has heard concerns over similar sorts of issues involving still other catastrophes and issues which have arisen from time to time historically. We have come through those issues successfully. The fact that we now confront current issues only emphasizes the need for, and efficacy of, a reasonably calm and measured response. Our experience is a major asset and will be brought to bear clearly, and, without fail.

In short, our dear friends, the so-called "golden years", upon which we have recently embarked, are, and will continue to be, challenging. What is currently being faced is certainly disconcerting, but hardly terminal. This is not the time to succumb to a Kafka-esque weltanschaung ("world outlook"😉 of: "In the struggle between man and the world, back the world." Rather, you are urged to remember and live the perspective of Robert Frost : "Oh Lord, forgive my little jokes on Thee, and, I'll forgive Thy great big one on me!"

May the glory and blessings of life continue to be with us all!

Sincerely and respectfully,

Mr. Mikie, Ltd. Management