Selfless Sex – (Re)Building Intimacy

In this final installment of Selfless Sex, it’s important to discuss building intimacy, and for some couples we can say rebuilding intimacy. If you think of all the things you have been through as a couple due to prostate cancer, it's a good idea to take some time to focus on your relationship.

For some couples, going through the fight together only brought you closer. For others, prostate cancer only made things more difficult. So, let’s get started. Some of these suggestions are fairly easy, where others may take a bit more effort.

Ways to rebuild intimacy

Open up

This can be hard for gentlemen to do. We may even view opening up and having deep conversations with our lover as a waste of time or even silly.

Think about it this way: By sharing, you are letting your lover know you trust them. And in relationships trust is very important. Have a conversation about how prostate cancer affected your sex life, how you feel it affected the relationship, and/or how the diagnosis made you feel.

Show your love

I’m sure you already do many things to show your love for your partner. From time to time, I like to cook a nice meal for my lady. Little gifts are good too. Also, we like to hold hands when we go out. Have you ever noticed how many couples do not hold hands? Furthermore, there are three words than can make someone’s day. You can just say “I love you” from time to time.

Try to have fun

Laughter and enjoying life are very important factors in any relationship. Include things like watching comedies or your favorite stand-up comedian. These are things you can do together. Don't forget about date night. That can be fun. Going to get your favorite food or having a fun evening out is always good for a relationship.

Say thank you

There is nothing wrong with saying thank you and showing gratitude toward your lover. Besides being polite, saying thank you to your lover lets them know they are wanted and appreciated. Such a small phrase has a lot of power.

Make contact

Don't forget about “skin hunger.” We all desire touch, and in some cases we really need to be touched, even in non-sexual ways. One of the easiest ways to touch is to simply hold hands. Even while driving, just put a hand on your lover’s leg (be safe, though). You can sit close to each other on the couch.

Also, you can touch while sleeping. When you are asleep, you may not be aware of it, but your body still recognizes the contact. All of it is good.


In the ever more distracted world we live in, take time to listen to each other. Put down your phones, and turn off the TV if necessary. Focus on what your lover has to say. Talk. Have a conversation about something besides medicine, prostate cancer, doctors, bills, and the like. This form of “oral sex” is a great way to build intimacy.

Take time for yourself

While being with your lover is very important, you still have to take time for yourself and do things that make you . . . you! What did you stop doing due to prostate cancer? Was it an interesting hobby, or were you a member of a group or something like that? Your old friends would be happy to see you.

Taking time for yourself is a necessary part of self-care and healing. Life does not stop, and you shouldn't stop living, either.

Oh yeah . . . sex!

As you have been reading from the get-go, your sexuality may change from what it once was because of treatments and surgeries. Does your sex life have to stop? No, not at all. Throughout this mini-series, there are suggestions you can follow to pleasure your partner and, depending on the extent of your healing, also have fun yourself.

Your sex life is not over

I hope you enjoyed reading the Selfless Sex series. We will come back to these from time to time and take the topics in a different direction. Prostate cancer may have changed your sexuality, but I strongly believe your sex life is not over – far from it.

Many people may have the same questions, so please feel free to post questions. Who knows, you may see Selfless Sex in long form, on a bookshelf one day. Thank you for reading.

Check out the other articles from the Selfless Sex Series:


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This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.

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