Selfless Sex - Using Toys
If you can remember from the introduction on Selfless Sex, I mentioned you may have to change things up in the bedroom and be open to trying something new. For many men, the idea of bringing any type of “Marital Aids” (i.e. sex toys) into your sexuality is a no-go zone. All I can do is just try to put it out there and let you make the decision. Just remember, the main idea of Selfless Sex is to give your partner more pleasure than you receive, and using sex toys can help with that. Let's go.
Erectile dysfunction after prostate cancer
I also grew up in this American society, and I learned how important the penis is to sex. Unfortunately, this society also related penile sex to manhood, masculinity, and sexual conquests. So, when Erectile Dysfunction (ED) was not an issue, everything was all well and good. But now, after fighting prostate cancer through various treatments, ED is a factor in your life.
Also, while coming to grips with the impact of ED on your sex life, it’d be easy to give up. I’m thinking...you’re fighting cancer, you’re fighting to live, so why not fight to be sexual? It just makes sense, right? You’ll have to be open to try new things regardless of how you did things in the past. Personally, I love sex toys. They’ve completely changed my sex life. There are so many different types.
Types of sex toys
I already know I’m going to get pushback on this, but bringing sex toys into the bed can only increase your partner's pleasure and lead to a more satisfying sexual experience. You really have to pay attention, follow his/her lead, and pay attention to their responses. Here I’m only going to mention a few types of toys: Dildos, Wand Massagers, and Anal toys.
- Dildos - Most dildos are made from plastic or rubber. These toys can be used for vaginal, oral or anal penetration (as long as there is a flared/wide base). I do not want you to think the dildo is a replacement for you. Your partner is there with you, where you are making her/him feel good with a sex toy. With these toys, I recommend using a water-based lubrication as well. They clean up with soap and water, and be sure to let them air dry.
- Wand Massagers - These are known to be in the category of the most powerful and pleasurable toys on the planet. Basically, these are muscle relaxers and are also masterful at giving sexual pleasure. Wand massagers used for external stimulation only.
- Many massagers require an electrical outlet to work, with the cordless model being more expensive. The newer models finally have multiple speeds, designed for her pleasure.
- I have to say that wand massagers may be too powerful for direct clitoral stimulation – they may cause pain, so you have to listen and pay attention to her. One quick remedy for that issue is to place a cloth towel in between the wand and her skin. Wand massagers are nice for stimulation and are known to bring literally hours of sexual pleasure and orgasms to women. Be sure to follow her lead – many women prefer low speed with the wands. The higher speeds are just too intense.
- Anal Toys - No, you did not read that wrong. I said anal toys. Let me explain. The anus is a very sensitive area full of nerve endings. Anal play, if done slowly and carefully, can be extremely pleasurable. Anal play should not hurt. If you feel any pain during the activity, stop immediately. This means you’re doing something wrong.
- Please keep in mind that the anus does not lubricate naturally and you will need to use a water-based lube. Avoid petroleum-based lubes, like oil or Vaseline.
- Only use butt plugs with a flared/wide base. Using a toy without a wide base can lead to a big problem – the toy can end up in the lower intestine, which will mean a trip to the emergency room to get it out.
Find what works best for you and your partner
In closing, I understand sex toys are not for everyone. You’ll have to find one or a few that work for you and your partner. That means a quick trip to the store, or you can make your purchase online. Don't spend too much money, either. I suggest starting small and move upwards from there. Ask your partner if they’d be willing to try sex toys. Just remember, Selfless Sex is for your partner’s pleasure.
Have you made personal connections through your journey with prostate cancer?