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Selfless Sex – reBuilding Intimacy

Selfless Sex – reBuilding Intimacy

In this final installment of Selfless Sex, it’s important to discuss building intimacy and for some couples, we can say rebuilding intimacy. If you think for a moment of all the things you have been through as a couple due to prostate cancer, it’s a good idea to take some time to focus on your relationship. For some couples, going through the fight together only brought your closer whereas for others, prostate cancer only made things more difficult. So, let’s get started. Some suggestions are fairly easy where others may take a bit more effort.

Suggestions for rebuiding intimacy

Open up. This can be hard for gentlemen to do. We may even view opening up and having deep conversations with our lover as a waste of time or even silly. Think about it this way…by sharing, it’s letting your lover know you trust them and in relationships, trust is very important. Have a conversation about how prostate cancer affected your sex life, how you feel it affected the relationship and/or how the diagnosis made you feel.

Show your love. From time to time, I like to cook a nice meal for my lady. It’s something I like to do. Little gifts are good too. Also, we like to hold hands when we’re out. Have you ever noticed how many couples don’t hold hands? I’m sure you already do many things to show your love for your partner. Furthermore, there are three words than can make someone’s day. You can just say “I love you” from time to time.

Try to have fun. Laughter and enjoying life is a very important factor in any relationship. Include things like watching comedies or your favorite stand-up comedian. These are things you can do together. Don’t forget about date night? That can be fun. Going to get your favorite food or having a fun evening out is always good.

Saying thank you. There is nothing wrong with saying ‘thank you’ and showing gratitude towards your lover. Besides being polite, saying ‘thank you’ to your lover lets them know they are wanted and appreciated. Such a small phrase has a lot of power.

Contact. Don’t forget about “skin hunger.” We all desire touch and in some cases, we really need to be touched, even in non-sexual ways. One of the easiest ways to touch is to simply hold hands. Even while driving, just put a hand on your lover’s leg…be safe though. You can sit close to each other on the couch. Also, can touch while sleeping. When you are asleep, you may not be aware of it but your body still recognizes the contact. It’s all good.

Listen. In the evermore-distracted world we live in, take time to listen to each other. No phones and turn off the TV if necessary. Focus on what your lover has to say. Talk. Have a conversation about something besides medicine, prostate cancer, doctors, bills and the like. This form of “oral sex” is a great way to build intimacy.

Time for yourself. While being with your lover is very important, you still have to take time for yourself and do things that make you…you! What did you stop doing due to prostate cancer? Was it an interesting hobby or were you a member of a group or something like that? Your ol’ friends would be happy to see you. Taking time for yourself is a necessary part of self-care and healing. Life doesn’t stop and you shouldn’t stop living either.

Oh yeah…Sex! As you’ve been reading from the get-go, your sexuality may change from what it once was because of treatments and surgeries. Does your sex life have to stop? No, not at all. Throughout this mini-series, you have suggestions you can follow to pleasure your partner and, depending on the extent of your healing, also have fun yourself.

Your sex life isn’t over

I hope you enjoyed reading the summaries of Selfless Sex. We’ll come back to these from time to time and take the topics in a different direction. Prostate cancer may have changed your sexuality but I strongly believe your sex life is not over…far from it. Many people may have the same questions so please feel free to post questions. Who knows…you may see Selfless Sex in long form, on a bookshelf one day. Thank you for reading, Dr. Nick.

Check out the other articles from the Selfless Sex Series:

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.


  • kenneth1955
    5 months ago

    Hello Dr. Nick. I just got done reading a couple of your articles. I do see where you are going with this. Cancer of the prostate can mess up a mans mind. It is up to the man what he wants to do but not being able to have sex like you have before is a blow to a mans ego. It is a lot to take in and you have to think long and hard what to do. Right now I do not have prostate cancer but have been deals with some problems and a lot of infections. I like being ready for anything. If it does happy to me. There would be no way I would have any surgery done unless they can get rid of the tumor only. I do not want anything else touch or removed. If they can not do that then I will live out my days with it in my body. I will not make a choice between cancer or my erection and ejaculation. You may be getting rid of the cancer but you are killing me in another way. Your one article seam like you try to get the man to stay busy and do everything he can to keep his mind off his real problem. Not being able to have sex. Now I know that sex does not mine intercourse all the time there is a lot of things you can do. But it does take the pleasure away from you. I was married for 22 years and I know what you are saying Give your partner love and forget about you. I have done that before Just as long as she is happy. I will not stop now This is up to the men what he will do and what treatment he has. BUT FOR ME I WILL NOT GIVE IN TO PROSTATE CANCER. NO MAN IS GOING TO TELL ME I HAVE TO HAVE MY PROSTATE TAKING OUT God bless you all

  • ninaw moderator
    10 months ago

    I see you posted in the forum, @DFrank. Hopefully we’ll see some conversation, and I’ll be sure to share the link with others and on our Facebook as well. While not available everywhere, I wonder if a pelvic floor therapist could be helpful. This article talks about Will’s appointment with one: Glad to hear the meds do something, but hopefully more progress is possible. – Nina, Team

  • DFrank
    10 months ago

    Is mention of specific sexual issues resulting from treatment welcome here? Would there be advice from professionals (e.g. sex therapists), or would it be comments by other PC patients, only?

  • ninaw moderator
    10 months ago

    Hi @DFrank – I’m sorry your comment seems to have been lost, but I’m glad I found it! We would certainly welcome discussion of sexual side effects and symptoms. We don’t have professionals responding, and we can’t offer medical advice, but we do have several articles on sexual health from author Nick (here: You can also try posting in the forums here ( where members may respond. I hope this helps you navigate the site, and wishing you luck with any possible treatments or therapies. – Nina, Team

  • DFrank
    10 months ago

    Thanks for the response, ninaw. I have had ED worsen as a result of radiation tx, but respond well to C-ring and ED meds. My main frustration has been inability to reach orgasm every since bicalutimide and Lupron tx, even though I have refused these meds for several years (And I have done well without them!) due to some dangerous side effects. I’m looking for info from others who may have had similar experience, and maybe some ideas to help. Thanks again!

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